How did "I" get HERE???

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Almost 2 1/2 years ago, I decided that thing were just not going to work out between my husband and I. .I can hardly believe it's been that long.

From the outside looking in, we were the "perfect" couple. We seemed to match perfectly. Both of us had good jobs when we met, dated for over a year, got married, built a house on a few acres in the country, even had the picket fence. We always travelled a lot, had cookouts and had fun mostly. Of course it wasn't perfect, but I never expected perfect.
In the Beginning...

Time for a Family...
After a couple of years of marriage, I was ready for a baby. I was pregnant one the first try, we were so thrilled! Then, as always, thing's got complicated. I know that a baby forever changes your life, but it was more than that. He had always been insensitive, but I got tired of hearing "Just because the books say it, doesn't mean you have to have it." Not like I was having morning sickness, or couldn't eat my favorite foods, on purpose. I was tired quiet a bit, but after working a 12 hour shift work, yes, I wanted to take a nap on my day off. I wasn't never complained about feeling fat, I LOVED being pregnant. I'm not perfect, I realize that, but he had moments, that were....just uncalled for. I am sure he was on edge, but one night it was too much, and I couldn't take it anymore...long story short...I informed him he had to change, I didn't want to be a single mother. The next day, he promised to be a better man.

It took some time, but we put on our "perfect couple" faces and continued living our lives. He was being the perfect husband and really supportive, and I finally started to remember what it felt like to be happy. I decided then he had five years to so how me who he really was, then I would re-evaluate the situation. Eventually, I totally blocked out the memory of how he had been. I was going to have a baby, with this sweet man.

The baby came, then slowly he was back to his old ways. It wasn't as bad, so I dealt with it. Everyone saw the perfect family. It wasn't perfect, but I could manage. Did I mention,I am almost incapable of arguing? I made it easy for him to say what he wanted, without thinking there would be any damage.

Downward spiral...
Things got worse, as they tend to do when there is poor communication. I wasn't happy at all, even though he seemed like he perfectly content with how things were. Although I didn't want any more children at first, around the time that she turned 3, both of us decided we wanted another child. As hard as we tried, it didn't happen, but we kept faith that it would happen when God decided it was time.


In the meantime, he progressively got more vocal. When we got in a car together, it was almost certain he was going to say something that made me feel low. First, I wasn't fun anymore. Then, I was just acting stupid. When was the initial turning point for me? I finally told him that he was hurting my feelings. His response to that? why was I worrying about my feelings, that's just selfish...My heart totally broke in two. How could he, the man I vowed to spend the rest of my life with, not care about my feelings?


I started to grow a backbone. Our daughter was almost four, so things had to change in the next year! It seemed the more I tried, the worse it got. We had a few sit downs, and I would try to tell him how he treated me...He was in denial. I never brought up leaving him, because I never truly thought it would come to that, or that it was a viable option. These times it never got better. Thinking it would help him be sweeter, I made sure he was getting plenty of "attention" at night.


Rock bottom...
As non-dramatic as it may be, he went out of town for a week, and that's when it all hit me. I am a much happier, secure person with him not around. That is such a sad feeling. I knew then I couldn't wait until she was five. My mind was set. I was done! I had failed at making it work. How was I going to manage getting through this?

A week after he got back, while talking on the phone with him one day, he said something wasn't right. I spilled my guts. Then, I realized that wasn't what he was talking about, but it was to late. Since it was out there, I figured no time like the present.

I followed through...and my life was changed forever.